The Worst Excuses Ever
So, I asked my students to turn in an assignment.  Those that didn't have the assignment were to write an excuse as to why they didn't have it ready to turn in.  I told them that if they were going to lie to me, they might as well entertain me.  The following are the sort of excuses that they were able to come up with in less than 3 minutes.  (I have identified the authors by their initials.)

First Place:

• Last night I was walking home and a bear stood in front of me.  I told him, "Get out of my way, Mr. Bear.  I have to do my math homework!"  He refused, not being a math lover like myself.  We battled and I emerged victorious.  However, when I was done, I realized my hand was badly injured.  To my dismay, I could not finish my homework.  Because of this I was very distressed and could not sleep.  I began to wander and came across a magic field of aloe.  I rubbed it on my hand and it was healed.  There was a side effect and I becme devilishly handsome.  Then I went to school.  El Fin.
~T.H.

Second Place:

• I was out taming dragons when one of them captured me and told me the only way you may be released is to give me the knowledge of Precalculus with Limits: A Graphing Approach-lesson 4.6.  I said, "Yes, Sir. Anything for my escape."--so I handed him my 4.6.  So I sit here now with no 4.6 but I still have my life.  So, thank you, Mr. Rumppe.  Your assignment saved me from fire-breathing dragons.
~E.R.

Runners Up:

• I was in the process of completing my homework when I was overwhelmed with a feeling of hunger.  I ran down to the kitchen to fix me a snack when I heard someone at the door.  I went to the door and a man said he was from the homework analysis institution.  He asked for my homework and said he would have it back to me today.  Please contact the H.A.I. for my homework.
~E.A.

• I didn't do my homework because a giant underwater squid came onto land and sprayed me with ink, which wasn't a problem until I tried to get it off and since it wouldn't come off, I had to venture into the mountains of Nepal to an old, ancient hermit who had the soap which would clean it-which I then got an allergic reaction to.
~M.A.

• I couldn't do number 29 because I was abducted by tree gnomes.
~A.B.

• I couldn't.  I was picked up outside a hookah bar in Dinkytown and the judge sentenced me to three days without my arms.  I didn't see much good in writing without my teeth.
~A.B.

• So, yesterday I was in the middle of doing my homework when SUDDENLY, a little plump pink pig floated down on top of my desk.  Unfortunately, he sat right on top of question number 29.  I tried to get him to move but before I knew it, there was another plump little pink pig that landed on top of the first one.  He made a little "hee hee" as a third one landed on top of them both.  Then I realized...I was playing the pig game.
~G.B.

• My Mom ate my homework.
~J.B.

• I went to the zoo to visit my favorite gorilla when lo and behold I was attacked by an enormous mountain cat and dragged back into her cave,  The cat proceeded to forced me to eat bananas and watch videos of Steve Irwin.
~H.E.

• Last night I got home at eight o'clock from alpine skiing.  As we have time trials today to determine the varsity line for the season, I immediately began to tune my skis.  Afterwards i went to my room to start my math homework only to discover my book remained here, at school.  Oh! The agony!
~A.F.

• Once upon a time there was a college-level math book that ate teenagers.  This book held all or most of the answers of the world.  But it ate souls for the knowledge, and thus to fight off the book, I had to start defeating it with my knowledge.
~A.F.

• Last night I was finishing my shrine of your son.  It was his eighteenth birthday and I had to dance around a fire singing the Rumppe Song.  This birthday ritual takes 8 hours...hence, I don't have problem 29 done.
~P.G.

• This is the worst day ever.  My computer broke and I don't have money to fix it.  I had to get up at 6am to drive my brother to the hospital.  My girlfriend's Mom is in surgery, I lost my notebook, I have a horrible cold, and I forgot my calculator and my texts at home.  I know that is not entertaining.  Its just the truth.
~A.H.

• I am falling behind as usual...I have no excuse what so ever.
~A.N.

• Here is the story of a procrastinator:  (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
~T.H.

• Well, I was sick on Monday morning so I didn't know the assignment until yesterday morning and then last night I had practice and a performance so I didn't have the time.
~E.L.M.

• The camel was distracting me with his bubble gum chewing and the fact that he beat me at chess. But not to dismay. I never played chess before and while chewing bubble gum the camel can be very "sticky".  Oh time!  how the time slips through our fingers.
~L.L.

• I was out of town and had to catch up on all of my homework and teach myself all of the math and I had other homework and then I found \$500 in a bathroom and went shopping.  There I was attacked by Santa because I wouldn't sit on his lap.  The End.
~R.L.

• Last night I finished 4.5 and read physics book and a book in English class.  But I looked over...(left unfinished)
~V.L.

• I was doing homework in health class 1st period and the bell rang as I was doing problem #29.  I was literally punching it into my calculator when class ended.
~J.N.

• I did 4.6 but did not do 25-29.
~S.O.

• I could not get function to graph correctly.
~C.R.

• Hello Kitty's evil twin came and tried to steal my backpack, in a remarkable fight, I managed to save my backpack but Evil Hello Kitty got math assignment 4.6.  I tried to retrieved it but she burned it and did a victory dance.
~C.R.

• I didn't do my homework because I was writing my TOK paper instead, and before that I was at rehearsal.  I also got attacked by cats.
~L.R.

• Well, the reason that I can't find anything to write down is because "Mr. Math", (which is what I call my notebook), got left on my bedroom floor this morning and couldn't make it to class today.
~B.S.

• I only got to question #27.  I need to review tangent functions.
~L.S.